I have had many enquiries lately from parents who are worried about their anxious child. Maybe it is because it is the start of a new school year, it could be because they are anxious about their achievement or how they ‘fit in’ with their peers. It could be anything at all. There is a huge variety of reasons why children suffer from anxiety, worry and nervousness.
Anxiety has three different parts to it, the first being the anxious thoughts: “What if they don’t like me?”, “Will I embarrass myself?”, “Is there a monster under the bed?”, “Will I get it wrong?”, “This may make me ill.” As adults, we try to help by talking about their worries and/or downplaying these thoughts; telling our children it will all be ok, there are no monsters and so on. Often we try to make it better by saying things like, “Don’t be silly, everyone will like you because…” We have the best intentions, but is it actually helping?
Once the anxious thought creeps in, a physical reaction happens. The adrenalin (fight or flight) kicks in which is the body’s way of protecting itself. Hands become sweaty, the heart quickens, butterflies are in the stomach or they have tummy aches and feel sick. These are very real reactions caused by the adrenalin. Their body is ready to flee or fight.
Understandably, once your child has experienced all of this, it affects how they behave. They could go quiet or they could have a tantrum. They could get clingy or lash out. They could struggle to sleep or could be tired all the time. As each child is unique, how they react when anxious will be different to the next child.
· The more you talk about it, the more it will ‘feed’ the anxiety. Our brains gather evidence to confirm that our reactions are correct. Lots of discussion at the time will only prove that it is a ‘big thing.’ Deal with it later, when things have calmed down.
I always recommend an amazing book that I used when my twin daughters were going through a very anxious time. “What to do when you worry too much.” is a workbook style book intended for you to go through together. As it is a CBT approach (which is very similar to NLP), it focusses on addressing the anxiety at appropriate times and gives you and your child very clear and structured ways of handling it for the rest of the time. My daughters still have imaginary ‘worry boxes’ that they lock any worries in throughout the day and then we talk it though together for 10 minutes every evening. Often by then, they have forgotten what it was in the first place so we chat about something else!
· Take the ‘fear factor’ away, but don’t take them away from the fear. Taking them away only reinforces to them that there is something to be scared of.
I was with my sister and niece the other day. My niece suddenly saw a huge spider and started panicking and screaming. I completely ignored her reaction and focussed on the spider, making it seem less scary. I spoke to my niece, but directed it at the spider, saying things like, “Oh look! Where do you think she came from? What do you think her name is? I think it's Twinkle. Hello Twinkle. Have you lost your family? I hope you are ok.…” etc. Because I had turned the spider into a twinkly girl spider who had lost her family, my niece stopped crying and started becoming interested. After a few minutes she wanted to stroke it!
· Practice some relaxation techniques when they are already calm. In time, they will be able to use them when they are anxious.
Breath slowly and deeply THROUGH YOUR NOSE, while counting slowly to 5 for each breath
Tap your inner wrist in time with your heart beat and you will notice how it is slowing
Do something different to take your mind off it
Take some exercise
Do something you enjoy doing
These are only a few ideas of how to help. It is normal for children to be anxious of new things and to have periods of time when they are particularly anxious, but that doesn’t make it any easier for anyone involved. Change takes practice but if you are consistent, kind and firm, their brain will soon learn that it is nothing to be scared of and they will feel stronger and more confident.
If you would like more support, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.
lucy@lucyfeyNLP.co.uk or 07766 200167.
