At one time or another, I’m sure we have all experienced the frustration of not being able to sleep, however tired we are. Unfortunately, not being able to sleep can become a vicious cycle that grows and grows until you just can’t see what you can do to help. It doesn’t help that things often seem worse in the night… the thoughts then creep in…
The things we say to ourselves; our thoughts and the words we use are incredibly powerful. They mould how we live our lives and how we see ourselves and others. In NLP, we call this ‘Framing.’ Our language frame is based on our view of ourselves within the world around us, as well as our beliefs and experiences; it also determines how we are going to feel about something.
How many of us would talk to others as we talk to ourselves? Why do we stop ourselves from being verbally critical to others, but we think it’s fine treat ourselves badly? We understand the impact of our words on others so it makes sense that our words also impact ourselves.
“Think positively and everything will be ok.” Will it? However much we try, that sometimes isn’t good enough. What we need is perspective. What we need is to look at the problem from a different angle. We need to ‘Reframe’ our thoughts. We do this by identifying the problem, challenging it, reframing it and testing it.
Let me explain!
1. Identifying the problem.
First, you will need to ask yourself exactly what you are saying to yourself. What is the problem? What am I doing that is not helping me? What am I stopping myself from doing?
Here are some examples,
· “Oh no, I’ve woken up. I’m never going to get back to sleep. I’ll be so tired tomorrow.” What is the problem? No, not that you’ve woken up. It is that you are TELLING YOURSELF you are not going to go back to sleep and you are going to be tired!!
· “So and so said this and I wish I had said x, y & z.” …or something similar! Here you are trying to control something that you can’t do anything about at that time.
· “I wish I was a better sleeper. How come others seem to sleep but I can’t?” Now you are telling yourself you are not a good sleeper but everyone else is.
· “I can’t forget to…” You are telling your brain to stay awake so you don’t forget.
2. Challenge your assumptions.
You need to challenge that thought. How is the way you are framing your language helping you? What is helpful or unhelpful about what you are telling yourself? What evidence is there for you to believe what you are saying to yourself? How else could you see this experience or what else could it mean?
· “Oh no, I’ve woken up. I’m never going to get back to sleep. I’ll be so tired tomorrow.” Here, you are assuming you won’t go back to sleep which is stopping you from getting back to sleep. There isn’t any evidence to say you can’t!
· “So and so said this and I wish I had said x, y & z.” How else could you interpret this? Some ideas- You didn’t retaliate & kept control, you needed time to reflect on what was being said, an answer wasn’t required or even a response wouldn’t have been beneficial to you (or the situation) at that time.
· “How come others seem to sleep but I can’t?” Here you are making lots of assumptions. You have unhelpfully told yourself you can’t sleep even though you surely sleep sometimes, as well as comparing yourself to how you assume others sleep.
· “I can’t forget to…” You are assuming that you will forget.
3. Change how you perceive your thoughts. (Reframe them)
Now you see what you are actually saying to yourself & the impact of that, look at it from a different perspective. What would you do if you were someone else? What would you advise someone else to do in your situation? What is the opposite to the problem? Is it an actual problem or is it a problem because of how you feel about it? If you knew what to do about it, what would be the best thing to do?
· “Oh no, I’ve woken up. I’m never going to get back to sleep. I’ll be so tired tomorrow.” Is this a problem because of how you feel about it? Are your feelings making it worse? How does it sound if it was opposite?
“I have woken up. I am going to go back to sleep. I won’t be tired tomorrow.”
· “So and so said this and I wish I had said x, y & z.” What advice would you give to someone you love & respect?
“You did the right thing at the time.” Or something similar
· “How come others seem to sleep but I can’t?” What do ‘others’ do if they wake up?
“Other people relax, breathe and fall asleep.”
· “I can’t forget to…” What do you know you need to do?
“I need to write it down.”
4. Test your new perspective.
Now you are seeing it from a new angle, how has that changed things? What does it allow you to do? How does it help you? What does it give you?
· “I have woken up. I am going to go back to sleep. I won’t be tired tomorrow.” This gives you permission to go back to sleep.
· “You did the right thing at the time.” This allows you to respect your decision at the time.
· “Other people relax, breathe and fall asleep.” This gives you instructions to follow so you are able to fall asleep.
· “I need to write it down.” Do it! Then you can go back to sleep!
Here are some key words to remember:
Identify- Unhelpful behaviour. Stopping me. What?
Assumptions- Valuable. Useful. Helpful. Unhelpful. Evidence. How else? What else?
Reframe- If I were. Opposite. Advice. Other people. Best way. Problem or feeling?
Test- Allows. Help. Give.
Try it. You will be amazed how it works. The more you do it, the more instinctive it will become.
I have written another blog (Insomnia) with some other suggestions of things to do to help you sleep.
If you would like any more information about NLP or Hypnotherapy, please contact me.
