"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
Maya Angelou
The other day I was walking behind a mum with two young children. She was carrying a toddler who was throwing himself backwards & screaming in that lovely way toddlers do. Because she was having to cling on to another child with the other hand, she had to use her knee to stop the toddler from falling. There were many parents around and all were doing that thing that we do- “Let’s pretend it’s not happening so as not to embarrass the mum, or ourselves.”
I am ashamed to say that I didn’t help either. I was following behind thinking how amazing she was and asking myself if I should help. I was behind her for less than 20 seconds until she went a different way to me. I couldn’t stop thinking about her though. Why didn’t I help?
I tried to justify to myself with things like: “I was too far away to get there…” No, I could have run… “I didn’t know how she would react…” Well, at least she would have seen someone was there for her… “I wasn’t behind her for long before she turned the corner…” I could have gone out of my way…
I was cross with myself for not helping someone in need. I should know better.
Luckily, a few days later I had the opportunity to speak to her. I told her how I had seen her in that difficult situation and how I thought she was an amazing mum. I also apologised for not helping. My words all came out in a jumble as I was embarrassed, both about my behaviour and because I was complimenting a stranger about something significant. Her reaction & response was amazing.
It got me thinking. I had started the conversation with her because I was embarrassed that I hadn’t helped, but look at what good came out of giving her a genuine, heartfelt compliment. For one, that mum walked away with a bounce in her step and her head held high, knowing that she was doing a good job, even though she may feel like she is hitting her head against a brick wall much of the time. I also felt good, not only because I felt better about not helping but because I had clearly seen the impact my words had had on her.
You can’t underestimate the power of a genuine compliment. The writer Joshua Becker challenged himself to include a compliment in every conversation he had. In his blog, “A life changing challenge: Add one compliment,” he noted that;
• “It benefits others. Compliments encourage others. Through kind words, we remind people of their value and their talents. All of us want to be noticed—receiving compliments confirms that we are. They provide confidence and joy and hope.
• It benefits me. When we share happiness, we receive it. These days, I see more smiles. The experiment also forces me to think less about myself and more about the other person. It is quite self-revealing. I have begun to recognize how few compliments I actually offer in a day. And I have been reminded of the power in my words.
• It benefits my environment. The people around us create the environments in which we live, work, and play. Spreading joy among them by fostering a culture of encouragement challenges others to do the same. Our work environment feels different, our home life feels different, and the world around begins to change just a little bit.”
However, you just can’t give someone random compliments. It has to be genuine and honest. At best, a meaningless compliment makes you look false or gives the impression that you want something. A compliment is not a compliment if you are expecting something in return.
In my opinion, the best compliments are impulsive. They point out something unique about a person and are short, clear and descriptive. If they don’t necessarily require a response, it takes away the awkwardness many people feel when responding to a compliment. A good compliment does not have to be something mind-blowing. It could be as simple as, “I really enjoyed talking to you.” Or “I’m so glad I bumped into you.” As long as it is genuine it will make a difference.
I’m going to follow Joshua Becker’s example. I’m going to look for opportunities to give genuine compliments as much as I can. We never know the battles others are facing and if I can say something to make them feel even a little bit better, I’ll be happy with that.
If you would like more information about what I do, please visit my website www.lucyfeynlp.co.uk or contact me.
