We can all relate to those ‘going back to school’ nerves. The thought of going back to everyday life after a holiday can hang over you and make you very anxious. As adults we feel it, but it can be a huge worry for children.
Children have less control of the situations they are put in. If an adult finds a situation difficult, they often have ways they can avoid it. Usually children can’t.
September is a big time for children. It marks an end to a lovely, long holiday and the start of the unknown: a new classroom, a new teacher, the prospect of harder work, being in an environment with many different people, being away from family, having to sit down for the majority of the day and even not being able to go to the toilet whenever they want! Let alone if they have any friendship worries or past experiences that are bothering them.
The problem with anxiety is that it is a vicious cycle.
1) Anxious thoughts throw our subconscious mind into high alert as it thinks that we are in danger, so adrenalin (fight or flight) is produced
2) Our body is flooded with adrenaline which makes us get hot, have butterflies, feel sick, breathe rapidly, focus on the danger and various other physical things
3) Those thoughts and physical feelings mean our behaviour changes. We may cry, get cross, go quiet, be aggressive, not sleep and so on.
4) Because our behaviour changes, people react differently to us.
5) Those reactions feed our thoughts and validate the anxiety
…and it all starts again!! (NB. Within each of those stages, there are also a multitude of smaller vicious cycles, all feeding off one another!)
For those who suffer from anxiety, they often feel out of control, vulnerable, overwhelmed and lonely. So what is the best way to help?
How to respond to you child's anxiety.
First, it is important not to FEED their anxiety. Be respectful & considerate of their feelings, but don’t feed it. The more that the worry is spoken about, the bigger it gets. Be as factual as possible and reassure them by teaching and reminding them of strategies that will help them to take control.
The language we use is very important.
- Instead of saying, “Why are you upset?” ask, “How can I help you to feel better?” or “What can we do to make that easier to manage?” Here you are focussing on making things positive (and putting them in control of their own strategies) rather than focussing on the issue & feeding the anxiety.
- To empower them, remind them of times they have overcome anxiety in the past. Say things like, “I understand that you are worried but do you remember when… and how you overcame that? What helped then & would that help you now?”
- Encourage them to think of the things others would do by saying, “(Friend) sometimes gets nervous too. What do they do to make things better?” Or even relate it to their favourite TV character or super hero. “What would Batman do if he was in your situation?”
- Make them aware that nervous/ anxious feelings are normal and common and most people have them at some point or another. “I get really nervous when… and what I find helps is…” It is a good idea to talk about people who they respect and admire so they know it is not a weakness.
- Try not to ask them, “Are you ok?” for two reasons. a) It suggests that there is a reason for them to be worried so it feeds the anxiety. b) It reminds them to be anxious!
We also need to be aware of how we talk to them. We need to make sure we are calm both in voice and body language.
Find out exactly what it is that they are anxious about.
In my experience, when you really get to the bottom of what they are anxious about, you find out that it is about something much smaller than anyone realised. Notice I said WHAT they are anxious about, not WHY. WHAT = the fact/ the thing WHY= means they start to back the anxiety up with examples & reasons, so they start to feed it.
A very effective way of finding out exactly WHAT, is to scale every part of it. The very act of doing this makes it much less overwhelming. Often people make very broad statements like, “I don’t like school.” Or “I hate flying.” Or “Social situations make me anxious.” It is important to narrow it down to make it more manageable. This must be done in a factual, calm way, again so you are not feeding the anxiety.
A great, clear and easy method is, 'The Incredible 5 Point Scale.' This can be used in so many ways but it is literally a scale of 1-5. When using this with anxiety, I would make a table where 1 is calm, happy & confident, 2 is feeling slightly nervous but still happy, 3 is where you are nervous & may need someone to start to support you but can still control it, 4 is very anxious, 5 is uncontrollable anxiety. The long term aim is to have everything between 1 & 3.
Sit together and break down the school day into tiny steps (right from waking up or even the evening before) and score each step. You will then clearly see where the problems are. Some suggestions are, “What number would leaving the house be? The walk to school? Seeing the school gate? Going into class?” etc.
Once you are clear where the issues are, you can start to put some strategies in place.
Strategies to support your anxious child.
Once you have changed the language you use and have worked together to clarify exactly what they are anxious about, you may well find their anxiety naturally reduces. However, it would still be beneficial to teach them simple relaxation strategies so they can calm themselves down as and when needed. There are many strategies, but here are a few that I have found most successful.
- Calm breathing. Slowly breathe in while counting to 3, hold for a few seconds, then breathe out for 6
- Encourage them to take control of the physical feeling by calmly saying, “Focus on your body. Where do you feel the anxiety? Find that feeling and feel how it has an energy to it. Focus on the centre of that energy &, as you focus really hard, you will notice it starts to disappear. It may dissolve, it may melt, it may go another way, just notice how it disappears.”
- Once that feeling has gone, get them to check the rest of their body & if they find any more anxiety, repeat until it has all gone. This enables them to take control, whilst taking their mind off the anxious thoughts.
- Encourage them to look for a distraction
- If they are anxious about being apart from you tell them that you think about them all day, so every time they think of you, you will be thinking of each other at the same time. Make sure they know that as soon as that has happened, they will feel much stronger & will be able to happily continue with their day.
Give them something to look forward to.
The school day can seem pretty endless, let alone a week or term! Give them something to look forward to. You could:
- Get them a calendar & fill it in together so they know everything that is coming up in the near future
- Go through the day in the morning, highlighting the fun stuff punctuated through the day
- Plan some fun after school activities to look forward to through the week
- Occasionally have an unexpected treat waiting for them at home time
- Write funny notes or jokes to put in their packed lunch
These are just a few suggestions. I’m sure you have many others!
Reflect on things they enjoy in school.
By regularly highlighting what they enjoy in school, you will refocus the subconscious away from the negatives. Discuss the best things about school. Even use the things on 1 & 2 on the scale. Talk about why they like it. You could either just discuss it, or record it in some way. Writing, drawing, making a video etc. Make it into a big, fun thing and plan how they can continue it next term and even how they can make it even better.
Get other people to help too.
That saying, “It takes a community to raise a child.” is so true. Without breaking confidences or embarrassing your child, tell their teacher and ask them to help. The school are obliged to support your child’s mental health as well as their education, so they will be happy to help.
Elsewhere, quietly talk to friends & family and ask them to (subtly) give your child compliments or share how they have overcome their own anxiety with them. Don’t forget the power of ‘accidently overhearing’ compliments about yourself. Manufacture conversations for your child to overhear about them to build their confidence.
These are just a few suggestions of how you can help your child. It is emotionally exhausting when you are supporting someone you love who is suffering with anxiety. You must make sure you also look after yourself. Set up your own support network, ensuring you have someone you can off-load to or someone who can be a shoulder to cry on. Make time to do something for yourself. It can be hard to do your own thing when you are looking after an anxious child as they are often clingy and wanting you to be with them as much as possible. I cannot stress enough how important it is to look after your own well-being too; if you won’t do it for yourself, do it for them. It will mean you are in a strong and clear state of mind so you can be a greater support.
If you would like any more information, please contact me.
If you would like to subscribe to my blogs, please follow the link on my home page.
