Self-esteem is an essential part of being happy, healthy and successful but you can’t give it to anyone, you can’t build it for anyone and you can’t provide it for anyone.
As a parent, it is incredibly hard to see your child lacking in confidence or self-worth, comparing themselves to others and worrying about failure. This in itself breeds anxiety; even if your child has the strategies and understanding to manage their anxiety on a day to day basis, if their self-esteem is low, that anxiety is likely to keep rearing its ugly head.
My twin girls are currently in Year 6 with SATs looming, being pushed incredibly hard at school and starting to get nervous about secondary school. They have strategies they independently use for their anxiety and of course I help them when they need or want me to, but I have noticed that they are becoming increasingly anxious about seemingly minor things and are becoming very hard on themselves. They are arguing more, have shorter fuses, can be verbally aggressive and are talking incredibly negatively about themselves.
As you know, when you are in the thick of it, it can be very hard to step out of the whirl wind and think, “What is actually going on here? What are they actually telling me?” One activity I often do as a mum is make time to quietly reflect (often with a glass of wine!) and draw an iceberg. In the section of the iceberg that’s above the water, I write the behaviour I can see. In the section below the water, I write all the different reasons I can think of that is behind this behaviour. I find it a really useful exercise as it redirects my focus away from the any ‘negative’ behaviour, and makes me focus on the underlying reasons. It gives me the direction I need to go in to be able to support them.
It quickly became apparent that the root of all this was because of how they were feeling about themselves, their self-esteem is very low because of all the external pressures they are beginning to face. Unfortunately, these external pressures are always going to be there- they will change, but there will always be pressure in their lives. We couldn’t take that away, even if we wanted to, but we can give them the skills to cope with it. Even better, to absolutely thrive with the challenge.
I like to think that I am a supportive mum who focusses on the positives, encourages them to push their boundaries and supports them if needed. I tell them I’m proud of them, I congratulate them on their successes and I encourage (and model) positive self-talk. So why is their self-esteem still so low? It was time to do some research! (I must stress that I have only done a little research but have found it so interesting that I will be doing lots more!)
I went to the AMAZING Mental Health and Children seminar in Bath the other day. It was incredibly inspirational for many reasons, but one thing Paul Stallard (Head of Psychological Services in Oxford Health NHS Foundation and Professor of Child & Family Mental Health at Bath University) said really resonated with me. He closed his speech by stating that we need to teach our children to be able to, “…be in a competitive world but satisfied with who and how they are.” That, to me, sums up what my job is as their mum.
So, to the crux of the matter. How can I help my children with their self-esteem? Self-esteem is something that can only be raised by the person who is lacking in self-esteem… if you catch my drift! I can tell my children that they are amazing etc. until I’m blue in the face but that won’t change anything, and it may actually be detrimental if it's not focused. I just need to provide opportunities for them to build their own self-esteem.
So, what exactly is self-esteem? The psychotherapist & founder of the self-esteem movement, Nathaniel Branden, said that, “Self-esteem is the disposition to experience oneself as being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It is confidence in the efficacy of our mind, in our ability to think. By extension, it is confidence in our ability to learn, make appropriate choices and decisions, and respond effectively to change. It is also the experience that success, achievement, fulfilment – happiness – are right and natural for us. The survival-value of such confidence is obvious; so is the danger when it is missing.”
He wrote many books about self-esteem as well as, “The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem.” I have decided that I am going to focus on those pillars and give plenty of opportunities for my children to practice them. (The word ‘practice’ is key. It needs to become a way of life; something that is repeated, persistent and embedded so it can grow.)
the 6 pillars of Self-Esteem (and a very brief, bullet pointed explanation!)
The Practice of Living Consciously.
- Being thankful for what you have
- Being present to the moment (Where we are and who we are)
- Looking at the here and now as well as the past & the future. All too often we forget about the present.
- Accepting uncomfortable feelings as well as comfortable
The Practice of Self-Acceptance.
- Improving what you can change
- Learning to accept what you can’t change
- Forgiving yourself & learning from mistakes
- Recognising & celebrating your strengths & success
- Focussing on what you can do
- Not comparing yourself with others
The Practice of Self-Responsibility.
- Being responsible for your actions
- Being honest with yourself & others
- Knowing you have a choice
- Independence
The Practice of Self-Assertiveness.
- Being grounded in your beliefs
- Appropriately standing up for those beliefs
- Authentic to yourself
- Standing up for yourself
- Unapologetic but not pushy with your beliefs
The Practice of Living Purposefully.
- To learn
- To work towards a goal
- To give and help- Altruism
The Practice of Personal Integrity.
- Positive inner voice
- Living by your beliefs
Nathaniel Branden says on his website that, “Most of us are taught from an early age to pay far more attention to signals coming from other people than from within. We are encouraged to ignore our own needs and wants and to concentrate on living up to others’ expectations… Self-esteem requires us to listen to and respect our own sensations, insights, intuition and perspective... For all of us, developing the pillars of self-esteem is a life-long — and worthy — challenge.”
So how can I support my children start on this lifelong learning journey? To be honest, I think most of us do much of this anyway, I have just found it really helpful focussing on what we do, mentally putting that under these 6 headings and tweaking things to make them more focused. Small steps have already made a difference.
- First, I talked to them about how they were feeling about themselves, individually. We talked about self-esteem, confidence etc. and how that impacts your life. I asked them if they wanted to learn what they could do to feel better about themselves. Their choice- Baby steps into the practice of self-responsibility.
- Then, we made tiny tweaks to our daily lives. For example, every night at bedtime we have always had 1-1 time with them where we talk about the day: what we have enjoyed, what we are doing tomorrow, successes, good things that have happened etc. Now, they also each have a special book. Every night one of us will write in it with them- Three successes and three things they are thankful for. The beginnings of the practice of self-acceptance and the practice of living consciously.
- We gave them the opportunity to adopt an animal with WWF. They both chose their own and have taken it upon themselves to research additional ways they can support and help wildlife and the environment. They are practicing living purposefully.
- We have started having ‘pauses’ in our day. We have some great cards by Mindful Kin (you can find them on Facebook) that we sometimes use, or we just spend a bit of time noticing things that are going on around us at that moment, without thinking of the day or the next job. Practicing living consciously has been helping us all!
I’m not going to rush into making big changes. I’m going to continue making tiny changes to our usual routine, do more research and foster opportunities for them when appropriate. I have found that just by focusing on these areas, it has already started to have an impact.
I highly recommend going to Nathaniel Branden’s website. There is lots of information about self-esteem, both for ourselves and how we can support our children.
Please have a read of my other blogs!
